just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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