chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
