Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
