I have demons in me.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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