I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
