i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So much Jack, so little girl.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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