You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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