It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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