i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
