i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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