It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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