i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
