none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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