your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
