I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
