Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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