It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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