i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
