he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
