I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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