Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
