You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so explain again why im purple
no
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
