I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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