Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think my vagina is haunted
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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