Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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