Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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