Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
