I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The power of my boobs compel you
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
