I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
