i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
