I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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