i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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