There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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