Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
