Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
