Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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