I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
