I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my vag is so smooth its legendary
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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