come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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