a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
