While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
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Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
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Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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