my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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