Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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