I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
