I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
