We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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