I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
