well I can't set my house on fire every night
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
