No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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