is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
