I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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