im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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