My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
