I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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