i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
