glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
