the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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