just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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