You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i want to swaddle you in tequila
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize