It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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