It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
