they need to just BURY HIM!
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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