Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
